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The Spell
Checker's Poem
Eye halve a spelling checker
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marquees four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My checker tolled me sew.
Bloopers
Did you ever wonder why teachers of writing
care so much about grammar and sentence
structure errors? One reason is that these
errors can often cause embarrassing or
damaging misreadings. In the business world
these can be costly to your image.
Here are some humorous headlines. Have fun
reading them. Watch out for your own!
- Include Your Children when Baking
Cookies
- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash,
Expert Says
- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down
Jaywalkers
- Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers
Should Be Belted
- Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
- Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes
Over
- Eye Drops Off Shelf
- Teachers Strike Idle Kids
- Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
- Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time
in 10 Years
- From a Rome laundry: "Ladies,
leave your clothes here and spend the
afternoon having a good time."
Grammar
Specials
1. Verbs has to agree with
their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not
words to end sentences with.
3. It is wrong to ever
split an infinitive.
4. No sentence fragments.
5. Eliminate commas, that
are, not necessary.
Bloopers from the Medical World
The following quotes were taken from medical
records as dictated by physicians:
- By the time he was admitted, his rapid
heart had stopped, and he was feeling
better.
- Patient has chest pain if she lies on
her left side for over a year.
- The patient has been depressed ever
since he began seeing me in 1998.
- Patient was released to outpatient
department without dressing.
- The patient is tearful and crying
constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.
- The patient has no past history of
suicides.
- The patient expired on the floor
uneventfully.
- Patient has left his white blood cells
at another hospital.
- While in the ER, she was examined,
X-rated and sent home.
- The skin was moist and dry.
- Occasional, constant, infrequent
headaches.
Tips for Proper
English
- Avoid alliteration. Always.
- Never use a long word when a diminutive
one will do.
- Employ the vernacular.
- Eschew ampersands & abbreviations,
etc.
- Parenthetical remarks (however relevant)
are unnecessary.
- Remember to never split an infinitive.
- Contractions aren't necessary.
- Foreign words and phrases are not
apropos.
- One should never generalize.
- Eliminate quotations. As Emerson said,
"I hate quotations. Tell me what you
know."
- Be more or less specific.
- One-word sentences? Eliminate.
- Analogies in writing are like feathers
on a snake.
- The passive voice is to be avoided.
- Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it
should be derailed.
- Who needs rhetorical questions?
- Do not put statements in the negative
form.
- Proofread carefully to see if you words
out.
- A writer must not shift your point of
view.
- And don't start a sentence with a
conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition
is a terrible word to end a sentence
with.)
- Don't overuse exclamation marks!!
- Take the bull by the hand and avoid
mixing metaphors.
- Everyone should be careful to use a
singular pronoun with singular nouns in
their writing.
- Last but not least, avoid cliches like
the plague. They're old hat; seek viable
alternatives!
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