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The Spell Checker's
Poem
Eye halve a spelling checker
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marquees four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My checker tolled me sew.
Bloopers
Did you ever wonder why teachers of writing care so much about grammar
and sentence structure errors? One reason is that these errors can
often cause embarrassing or damaging misreadings. In the business world
these can be costly to your image.
Here are some humorous headlines. Have fun reading them. Watch out for
your own!
- Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
- Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should
Be Belted
- Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
- Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
- Eye Drops Off Shelf
- Teachers Strike Idle Kids
- Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
- Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10
Years
- From a Rome laundry: "Ladies, leave your
clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time."
Grammar Specials
1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
4. No sentence fragments.
5. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary.
Bloopers from the Medical World
The following quotes were taken from medical records as dictated by
physicians:
- By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had
stopped, and he was feeling better.
- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left
side for over a year.
- The patient has been depressed ever since he
began seeing me in 1998.
- Patient was released to outpatient department
without dressing.
- The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She
also appears to be depressed.
- The patient has no past history of suicides.
- The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
- Patient has left his white blood cells at another
hospital.
- While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and
sent home.
- The skin was moist and dry.
- Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Tips for Proper English
- Avoid alliteration. Always.
- Never use a long word when a diminutive one will
do.
- Employ the vernacular.
- Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
- Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are
unnecessary.
- Remember to never split an infinitive.
- Contractions aren't necessary.
- Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
- One should never generalize.
- Eliminate quotations. As Emerson said, "I hate
quotations. Tell me what you know."
- Be more or less specific.
- One-word sentences? Eliminate.
- Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
- The passive voice is to be avoided.
- Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be
derailed.
- Who needs rhetorical questions?
- Do not put statements in the negative form.
- Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
- A writer must not shift your point of view.
- And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
(Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence
with.)
- Don't overuse exclamation marks!!
- Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
metaphors.
- Everyone should be careful to use a singular
pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
- Last but not least, avoid cliches like the
plague. They're old hat; seek viable alternatives!
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